Why Can't My Kids Listen to Me?
Has your kid ever told you, "You are not the boss of me!" and you think to yourself, "Well... I kind of am!"
I am sure, as parents, you are familiar with this scenario. Asking them to perform a task or simply put on a coat can sometimes be challenging! When something like this happens, we might think “Why are they so defiant?” Or “Are they just trying to annoy me?”
The answer is no! Have you ever heard of “counter will”?
A clinical psychologist, Dr. Gordon Neufeld referred to “Counterwill” as the "instinct to resist, counter, and oppose when feeling controlled or coerced." This instinct serves an essential protective function for human survival. As children, they may feel coerced or threatened by separation and this is the "Counterwill" instinct keeps them protected from dangerous or risky situations like following a stranger off the playground. Most often, you’ve probably witnessed it in your own home with temper tantrums about you helping them put their socks on. Their inner voice says “I want to be independent” and what you see is screaming and flailing on the floor.
"Counterwill" is also significant for children to develop their sense of self. It is challenging for parents to watch their kids develop a sense of self and watching them struggle to figure out who they are, what they do or do not want. The key to getting them to listen is actually found in how emotionally attached your kid is to you. The more secure and attached the child is to the adult, the more likely they are to listen. The most optimal attachment style is “secure attachment” which includes the four S’s of attachment that Dr. Siegal mentions: Secure, Safe, Soothed, and Seen. Kids with secure attachment feel that their parents are a safe base, always there for them, which, in turn, allows kids to feel secure in exploring their world. Kids with secure attachment tend to be more resilient, higher self-esteem, better emotional, social development, and have more positive adult relationships. Now, knowing that the "you're not my boss” instinct in children is Counterwill, how can you, as a parent, work with this resistance.”
Picture this: It’s a Tuesday at 4 pm, and you’ve been at home working and your kid comes home and you ask them how their day was, instead of “Oh it was fantastic - we did this…” you get “Nothing” and off they go to their room and slam the door behind them, leaving you staring at the jacket and bag left at the front door and shoes ten feet from the shoe rack.
Now, your first thought might be “Agh .. really? Is this a mess for me to clean up?” You might also notice a little fireball building inside of you. Before we act, let’s consider these five steps Dr. Neufeld has for us to navigate this and other challenging situations.
